holding on and letting go
by bluestoplights
Summary: Based on the promo for "Firebird" / Emma has had enough of goodbyes.
**A/N: A whole lot of angst, you can thank the person who prompted it on tumblr. I hope you like it?**

-/-

"You should have let me go," he tells her, not for the first time.

The words aren't much different than what he said, before, when she first found him. The ones she was able to dismiss with an easy _'I never listen'_ and her focus back to his injuries. She has to listen, now, there's not much of a choice. Quest for True Love or not, she can't -

 _she can't, she can't, she can't._

"I don't know how to say goodbye," Emma hiccups, the tears in her eyes threatening to spill over. She takes a deep, gasping breath, squeezing her eyes shut to try to regain her composure. "You were," she can barely get the words out, now, and they nearly stick inside her throat. "You were supposed to be the person I never had to say goodbye to."

"I know," he says, the tears forming in his own eyes. She brings her hand up on his cheek, catching them before they fall by instinct, and it _hurts_. This hurts. "I know," he repeats the words, stifling a sob.

Emma can't take it anymore.

She envelops him in her arms, clinging to him, and his arms encircle her. Killian nuzzles into her neck, his head bent down, and she can feel the wetness there. She tries to take deep breaths, tries to calm herself down, tries to find solace in this - his arms and his warmth around her and the feeling of leather under her fingertips. She can't find the breaths, can't find her footing, when she's about to lose him.

She's lost him too many times. Emma can't take another.

"You weren't supposed to die," she tells him, her tears staining his jacket and her hands clasping his back, desperate for purchase, searching for a part of him to hold onto so she never has to let go. "You weren't - I lose everyone, I told you that I couldn't lose you, I've lost," the words come through heaving, wracking, sobs now. "I can't lose you too. I won't. I won't lose you."

"Emma," he murmurs, his voice thick with tears. "I'm sorry."

"You promised," she chokes out, leaning back to look at him. "You promised you wouldn't leave."

His lips press together and he lets out a sob of his own, his forehead pressing against hers. "I know, sweetheart, I'm so sorry."

"You promised," Emma says again, voice hardening as her heart aches in her chest. She hurts, the pain is so visceral that it's physical, and her hands tighten on him. "I killed you, Killian, I can't do that again. I can't."

"Emma," Killian attempts, his hand coming up to cup her face. He sweeps his thumb over her cheek and she wants to recoil, wants to walk away, wants to get away because he'll be gone soon because of this stupid, stupid trap Hades set them in and there's nothing she can do and she'll never feel it again. She shuts her eyes, refusing to meet his, and it's petulant and unfair but she _hurts_ and the feeling is so raw it feels suffocating. "You've made my life the happiest it's been. I never thought, in all the centuries that I'd been alive, that I'd find someone like you."

"Don't you dare," she says, stepping out of his embrace and curling into herself. Her hand clamps over her mouth, trying to prevent the sobs from leaving her body. It's no use. "Don't you dare say goodbye to me. I've had enough goodbyes."

He ignores her, stepping closer and wrapping his arms around her. Killian presses a kiss to her temple, his hooked arm wrapping around her side and pulling her in. Her hand is still clamped over her mouth and the sounds she's making are hardly human, hardly anything but raw, unfiltered pain. His hand rakes through her hair, attempting to soothe her. "You made me the happiest man alive, Emma Swan. You're the strongest person I've ever met and I knew that from the moment we met. You'll survive, with or without me. You have a family who loves you, who needs you. The time we had together - however brief -"

It shouldn't have been brief, she argues in her head, it should have been long, it should have been forever, it should have been always, it should have been a happy ending. She's the Savior, she's supposed to bring back the happy endings, and she can't even get her own.

Fate had a way of irony, it seems.

"I'd do it all again," Killian murmurs. "I'd do everything again if it meant I ended up here with you, if it meant I got the life I did with you."

This might be the most painful goodbye yet, her nerves worn down more and more from every one of them.

"I love you," she mutters into his shoulder, pressing a kiss there. "I love you, I love you, I love you."

"I know," he says, shakily. "I know. And I love you, Emma Swan. Always."

He pulls back further and she opens her mouth to protest. No sound comes out. Killian stands in front of her, his hand still cupped at her cheek.

"Close your eyes," he instructs, pasting a smile on his face that doesn't meet his eyes. It's to comfort her, she knows, the same way he did when he died. "Emma, close your eyes."

"Killian-"

"Please," he begs. "Trust me. Close your eyes, Swan."

She does, hands fisting at her sides. She feels his lips press against hers, soft and gentle, one last time. With a final brush of his hand against her cheek, his touch stops. He steps away.

And he's gone.

Emma inhales sharply, clenching her eyes shut further. She won't open them, not for a while. If he's gone, she'll refrain from accepting that as long as possible.

She's had enough goodbyes. She deserves to postpone this one.

Minutes pass, though they feel like hours. Emma cracks her eyes open gradually, first one than the other. It's empty. Whatever arch Killian went through, he's gone now. He's moved on.

Emma hopes he's happy, wherever he is now.

Emma turns her back and walks away, back to the elevator. The sobs subsided once he stepped away, she hardly feels anything at all anymore, just numb. Her brain has shut off, she doesn't have anything left to give, she's just bitterly numb.

It's just one foot in front of the other, the rest of the way.

"Swan!"

Emma swears she must be hallucinating. Killian's voice must have stuck in her head, maybe the loss is playing tricks on her brain. Emma keeps walking.

"Swan!" it repeats, sounding closer and closer. "Swan!"

She's reminded - forcefully - of leaving him on that beanstalk and him repeating her name over and over as she left him. Emma stops in her tracks.

"Emma," the voice says, sounding nearly out of breath, and she turns around.

There's Killian, just as she left him, his hair windswept and his legs racing to catch up with her from clear across the basement. Emma's mouth falls open and she's stuck, her legs refusing to move, until her limbs catch up with her brain and she's running right back to him.

They meet in the middle, her arms wrapped firmly around him and the breath stolen from her lungs as she clings to him. He nearly lifts her up with the force of his embrace, as if loosening it at all would mean letting go of her forever.

It almost did.

"How-" Emma starts, laughter, of all things, bubbling out of her lips as she leans back to look at him incredulously. "How did you-"

Killian shakes his head, eyes shining. "I have no bloody idea, love. One second I'm walking through that arch, the next I'm here. Back to you."

"Back to me," she repeats, sounding mystified. "You were able to pass back through?"

He grins and the sight is nearly blinding as he tightens his grip on her waist. "I suppose True Love was able to pass, after all."

Emma feels like she could faint, the emotional highs and lows exhausting the hell out of her. "I guess, so, huh?" she laughs further still, unable to do much else.

"Aye," he nods before crushing his lips to hers. She nearly knocks back with the force of the kiss, but she responds with everything she has, clinging to his collar and lifting herself up on her toes.

"No more goodbyes," she manages, once they part for air. "You hear me?"

Killian just kisses her again instead of replying.


End file.
